Disclaimer: this is a personal blog. I write about my own experiences with the understanding that yours may be different. Pregnancy is a sensitive topic for many families. If you find my experience to be different than yours, please feel free to share your journey with me in a way that is without judgment or cruelty – either privately or in the comments. I believe in community and in supporting one another. Our paths may be different but that doesn’t mean I can’t love on you.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I started jotting down little notes about how I was feeling. This is a summary of my first trimester notes.
The test said I’m pregnant…but I don’t really feel pregnant.
I don’t really feel anything.
Except for my boobs. They feel everything. A tiny tremor in China makes my boobs ache.
I thought I might feel an immediate connection. But it feels theoretical to me…not actual. I can’t see my baby yet. I can’t feel any movement. And there is a part of my heart that is trying not to get too excited. It’s so early. Anything can happen.
So, I’m waiting. Waiting for the first doctor’s appointment. Waiting until the right time to tell people. Waiting for my body to show more signs of this tremendous thing that is happening.
And I’m not the best waiter.
Constipation. Witch hazel.
Tummy is feeling unsure about anything that isn’t a carb. And food aversions are REAL! I can’t look at an egg right now. I also had my first doctor’s visit. The test says I’m still pregnant, but it doesn’t feel real, yet. Also, no one tells you how interested the medical community will be in your pee.
FATIGUE. I’m going to bed at 9:00 pm, waking up at 6:30, and still feel like I want to crawl under my desk and nap half the day away. Thank goodness for cuddly pups that don’t mind when I come home and immediately turn into a blanket burrito on the couch.
Told my gal pals. It is starting to feel more real. There are people I can talk to about this, people that can help me understand the physical and emotional changes. Their excitement also reminded me not to miss out on the joy of this experience, because I am afraid the ending won’t be how I want. I’ve also been following Katelyn James’ blog and the way she writes about her son’s life – James’ life – also gives me reassurance that there is much to celebrate regardless of the uncertainty.
The fatigue is still in full force.
We got to tell Bradley’s family in person, and it was special to be able to celebrate with them. The weekend conversation quickly turned into baby talk, and I was reminded again that I have permission to be happy.
We had our first ultrasound. Holy cow. I was not prepared for the emotions I would feel at that appointment. I didn’t realize how much the baby would be moving – to see those tiny arms and legs moving around was absolutely surreal. To see this moving, breathing baby in your belly but to not feel any of it…it really blows your mind. I haven’t cried once in the six weeks since finding out about the baby. I cried like a baby (no pun intended) during that appointment. Multiple tissues were needed. It finally felt real.
This fatigue is no joke. It is starting to affect my mood. It is hard to not feel like yourself and to not be able to explain it to people. I completely understand why some women wait until their second trimester to start telling the masses. But this is the trimester when you are most likely to feel your worst. So to feel terrible and not be able to talk about it is really isolating. I’ve also been avoiding our friends because drinking is such a social standard. That doesn’t really help with the lonely feelings. I’m really caught up in my feelings these days.
Hormone Britney is in full force. She is full of insecurity (hello pregnancy acne!), doubt (I know the doctor said I can have up to 200 grams of caffeine but should I?), and feeling unlike her normal self. This is harder than I thought. I keep waiting for the magical feelings. I feel ungrateful for this experience…like I am wasting what others so desperately want. And it has nothing to do with the baby. I am pumped about the baby! I can’t wait to meet him (I think it’s a boy) and to cuddle him. I can’t wait to cry with him in the middle of the night when we are both exhausted. And I can’t wait to see Bradley awkwardly holding our baby. The labs will adore the baby and Honey will be consistently skeptical and slightly resentful. I am ready for the baby part. The pregnancy part feels like a means to an end. People tell me that it gets better in the second trimester – the pregnancy symptoms take a backseat and you start to get a little more energy. I keep telling myself to hold on a little bit longer and keep the faith!
We got to tell my parents this weekend while we were together celebrating my Dad’s birthday. I hated waiting to tell them, but I think it was worth it to tell everyone in person. This is the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Such an announcement deserves more than a text.
I think things will pick up. I’m looking forward to when I look pregnant instead of really bloated, to when I can feel the baby move, and to when I have enjoy energy to stay awake for more than 10 hours a day. Cheers to second trimester!
I would love to hear how other women dealt with their first trimester!