You know the ones. They have ear plugs, some candy, and a beautifully handwritten note with some cutesy poem about this being baby’ first flight. Yeah…this momma is never ever ever going to make those.
And here’s why.
If I don’t get a treat for dealing with your crap on an airplane, you don’t get some candy for possibly having to listen to my child fuss because he is uncomfortable, confused, his ears won’t pop, etc. You see, my kid isn’t being difficult because he sucks. He is just a baby trying to figure things out. But you…you have no excuse for being terrible.
Things that I have routinely seen on an airplane that I don’t get rewarded for having to deal with:
- Taking your shoes off. That is freaking disgusting.
- Putting your feet on the arm rest in front of you. Again, this is repulsive.
- Taking up BOTH arm rests and/or letting your elbows stick out over the invisible threshold that is supposed to keep me from having to touch a total stranger. Gotta be honest, this almost always happens to me when a man sits next to me. Hunch your shoulders folder and keep you arms in the like the rest of the sardines in this can.
- Talking on your phone – on speaker phone – until the flight attendant practically has to ninja kick it out of your hands.
- Booking a window seat and then needing to get up 15 times during a one hour flight. This is why you don’t eat airport nachos right before you leave. NEVER GET THE NACHOS.
- Immediately standing up as soon as the wheels touch the ground and knocking people in the head with your oversize luggage that we all know you should have checked.
- Watching some trash movie at a volume so high that we can all hear it despite your headphones. I know it is hard to resist Fast and the Furious but for the love of all that is good, calm down with that volume!
- Coughing and sneezing without covering your mouth. No one wants to see or feel the flu come hurtling toward them at 100 miles an hour.
- I have actually seen a person clip their nails on a plane. Could not make it up.
- Giving me a death stare as I board holding my perfectly calm and happy baby. Thanks for the cozy welcome. I’m so anxious about your judgment that I haven’t pooped in three days. And I’m terrified I’ll finally get the urge to go on the plane when I don’t have anyone to hold my child. But please continue to tell me telepathically how much you hate that I am on the plane.
- Keeping your window open while the sun acts as a laser beam of blindness to everyone within six rows of you.
- Eating any type of seafood on an airplane. Or anything that is particularly aromatic. It already smells like stale air and butt sweat on here. Your shrimp Lo mein isn’t helping things.
- Touching me or my child. Personal space is so sacred, for a variety of reasons. I am a hugger in my personal life. But if you are someone that I don’t know or trust, being touched can be a very negative experience for me. I have had to work very hard to reclaim touch as a positive in my life. And you can’t know that…because you are a stranger…which means you probably shouldn’t touch me anyway. It is also just tacky and irresponsible to touch any young child, especially during cold and flu season. But with some of you running around without a single vaccination to your name, I don’t want any of you touching my child anytime of year.
So, you see. You are all a bunch of airplane riding jerks. You don’t get a goodie bag begging for your forgiveness if my child gets fussy. I’m not spending my time and money making cute plastic bags of chocolate and earplugs. Even if I did want to, I don’t have the money because I had to pay an extra $200 to get 3 more inches of leg room so I don’t smother my infant trying to cram into economy. To the women that are making these goodie bags, you don’t have to. You don’t have to get permission from anyone to ride a plane. If your baby is struggling just know that we are all freaking struggling. Most of us chugged a beer at the bar because we are terrified. Or we ate the nachos and can feel the tummy bubbles. Maybe we are traveling because of sad news and just want to be alone. Your child doesn’t have the ability to suppress those feelings. So, they cry or whine or fuss. And the rest of us can just be decent people without the promise of candy and extend some grace toward you.
A goodie bag?! You gotta be kidding me.