The pun was greater than my better judgment. Let a mother have her fun.
How can I possibly summarize the past year with Jefferson? It seems impossible for a number of reasons, but the primary being that his birth took something from me – words. I tried multiple times to sit down and write out his life from my perspective, and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t find the words no matter how hard I tried. Maybe it was a multitude of things. Maybe Daddy’s cancer made me too angry to write. Maybe photography stole a small part of my creative energy. Regardless of the reason, it has taken almost an entire year for me to find my words again. Just in time for this post.
What I have realized is that the reason I couldn’t find the words wasn’t actually about finding anything. I am the Queen of Introspective Reflections. I can usually tell you exactly how I feel about something. On a good day, I can summarize those feelings in a few minutes. With Jefferson, those feelings are massive. Each individual thought cannot be summarized in a few sentences.
And there it is. The reason why I’ve been struggling with my writing.
I’ve been trying to condense feelings that won’t be made small. In trying to cram them into a paragraph, I can feel the inadequacy. I’ve been mistaking that feeling as writer’s block. What I really need to do is give those feelings the space they deserve. What if I gave those thoughts and ideas an entire chapter instead of a paragraph? It isn’t that I don’t know what I’m feeling. Rather, the issue is that I’m not letting them be as big as they truly are.
Jefferson, this post won’t be what I thought it would be. Truthfully, it’s for the better. The way I feel about you and what you have done in my life is greater than a sheet of paper. Maybe the bigger truth is that I will be spend the rest of my life trying to really capture how great life is with you in it. Instead, this post is an introduction to many more posts to come. I look forward to writing about love, motherhood, parenting, criticism, your developmental milestones, your personality, and the thousands of other topics that you bring to light everyday. If I absolutely had to sum you up in a sentence, I would say:
You are exactly as you should be, and I find it all to be incredibly perfect.